New Year, Same Us: How to Set Relationship Intentions (Without the Pressure)
January has a funny way of sneaking pressure into our lives.
Suddenly we’re supposed to wake up as new people—better communicators, more patient partners, emotionally regulated at all times, and somehow still fun and spontaneous. For couples, this often turns into a quiet (or not-so-quiet) hope that this will be the year everything finally clicks.
At Uplift and Connect Counseling, I want to offer a gentler reframe:
✨ New year. Same us. More intention. ✨
Because meaningful relationship growth doesn’t require a personality overhaul, a color-coded resolution chart, or becoming a completely different couple. Real connection grows through emotional safety, small moments of turning toward each other, and choosing progress over perfection—again and again.
Why Resolutions Can Feel So Hard on Relationships
Traditional New Year’s resolutions often focus on fixing something that feels “wrong.” In relationships, that can sound like:
We need to stop fighting.
We should communicate better.
I need them to change.
While the intention is usually loving, the pressure can unintentionally create distance. When one or both partners feel like a project—or a problem—it’s harder to feel emotionally safe.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, reminds us that underneath most conflict is a longing for connection:
“Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Can I count on you?”
When we shift from resolutions to relationship intentions, we move away from fixing and toward connecting.
What Are Relationship Intentions (and Why They Work)?
Relationship intentions are not rigid rules or pass/fail goals. They’re values-based touchstones—gentle directions you return to when life gets busy, stressful, or messy.
Think:
How do we want to show up for each other this year?
What helps us feel close and secure?
What kind of emotional environment do we want to create together?
The research backs this up. John and Julie Gottman’s decades of relationship research show that lasting connection isn’t built through grand gestures, but through small, consistent actions—what they call “turning toward bids for connection.”
Intentions help couples notice and respond to those moments more often.
A Permission Slip: You Don’t Have to Get It Right
Before we go any further, let’s get this out of the way:
You will miss bids. You will say the wrong thing sometimes. You will have days where connection feels harder.
And that’s okay.
Healthy relationships aren’t defined by never messing up—they’re defined by repair, responsiveness, and returning to each other.
At our St. Louis couples counseling practice, we often remind couples that growth isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up, especially when it’s uncomfortable.
Setting Relationship Intentions: Three Levels That Actually Work
To keep things realistic (and sustainable), we recommend setting intentions at three levels:
Quick wins – small, easy shifts that build momentum
Stretch intentions – meaningful efforts that take practice
Long-term investments – habits that strengthen your bond over time
Let’s break it down.
Level One: Quick Wins (Because Everyone Loves Momentum)
These are simple, low-pressure ways to feel more connected right now.
💛 Intention: Turn Toward, Just a Little More
Gottman research shows that couples who stay connected turn toward each other’s bids about 86% of the time—even in small moments.
Try this:
Put your phone down when your partner starts a story
Respond with curiosity instead of efficiency
Acknowledge the bid—even if you can’t engage fully
A simple “I want to hear more—can we come back to this?” counts.
💛 Intention: Create a Daily Check-In Ritual
This doesn’t need to be deep or dramatic.
Try this:
One high and one low from the day
A 6-second kiss (yes, it’s science-backed!)
A quick “How are you, really?” before bed
Consistency matters more than depth.
Level Two: Stretch Intentions (Growth Without Overwhelm)
These intentions require more emotional energy—but they also bring deeper payoff.
🌱 Intention: Name the Feeling Beneath the Fight
EFT teaches us that conflict is often a protest for connection.
Instead of leading with criticism, practice naming the softer emotion underneath:
“I’m feeling disconnected and I miss you.”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed and I need reassurance.”
This creates emotional safety—and invites your partner closer instead of pushing them away.
🌱 Intention: Practice Repair Faster
The Gottmans emphasize that it’s not if couples fight—it’s how they repair.
Try this:
Name it when things go sideways: “That came out wrong.”
Take responsibility without defensiveness
Reconnect intentionally after conflict
Repair builds trust.
Level Three: Long-Term Intentions (Future-You Will Be Grateful)
These are the slow-build habits that create resilient, secure relationships.
🌳 Intention: Protect Your Relationship From Burnout
Life stress is one of the biggest threats to connection.
Try this:
Schedule protected time together (and honor it)
Talk about stress as the enemy—not each other
Check in about emotional load, not just logistics
🌳 Intention: Invest in Support Before Things Feel Broken
Many couples wait until they’re in crisis to reach out.
At Uplift and Connect Counseling in St. Louis, Missouri, we encourage couples to think of therapy as relationship wellness—not failure.
Working with a couples therapist trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy can help you:
Strengthen emotional bonds
Break negative cycles
Learn how to respond to each other with safety and care
How to Talk About Intentions (Without It Turning Into a Debate)
Set the tone intentionally:
Choose a calm, neutral time
Lead with curiosity, not correction
Share what you hope for—not what your partner needs to fix
A helpful prompt:
“This year, I want us to feel more ___ together. What about you?”
Remember: alignment grows through conversation, not control.
New Year, Same Us—And That’s a Good Thing
You don’t need to become a different couple this year.
You just need to keep choosing each other.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Connection is built in those choices—in the everyday moments where you show up imperfectly, repair intentionally, and stay emotionally present.
If you’d like support setting relationship intentions or strengthening your bond, Uplift and Connect Counseling offers couples counseling in St. Louis rooted in compassion, evidence-based care, and a belief that relationships can be both healing and hopeful.
✨ Growth without pressure. Connection without perfection. ✨
Because your relationship doesn’t need to be fixed—it deserves to be supported.
Interested in learning more about couples counseling or Emotionally Focused Therapy in St. Louis, Missouri? Read more blogs or reach out to schedule a consultation or your first session. Make this a year of connecting, without the pressure.
Cheers,
Katheryn Barton