Nobody hands you a manual for this part.

You can read every book out there on communication, love languages, and date nights. But somehow nobody sits couples down and says: perimenopause is going to change your relationship, and here's what to expect.

It's not because your hormones are trying to ruin your marriage. It's because a lot changes at once, and most of it happens quietly, long before either of you has language for it.

Your sleep shifts. Your body feels different. Sex might change, or hurt, or just not sound appealing right now. Your patience gets shorter. Things you used to brush off start landing harder. And somewhere in there, you start noticing what you've been tolerating for years, and deciding you're done tolerating it.

Meanwhile, your partner is standing there thinking, “What happened to the person I married?”

And you're standing there thinking, “What happened to my life?”

This is exactly where couples start sliding into what I call the Roommate Zone. You're still splitting the grocery run, still managing the calendar, still functioning fine as a household. The connection part is what goes quiet.

Here's the part I really want you to hear: perimenopause didn't create that disconnect. It just turned up the volume on something that was already there.

If you don't know what's happening in your body, it's easy to make this personal. She thinks, “He doesn't get it.” He thinks, “Nothing I do is right anymore.” She feels alone. He feels shut out. She asks for more support. He hears criticism. He pulls back. She gets louder. And just like that, you're in a cycle neither of you meant to start.

So how do you get out of it?

You start by saying the true thing out loud, before you're furious about it.

Partners need to be able to say: “I'm noticing things are different. Help me understand what's going on for you.”

And the partner going through it needs permission to say: “I'm changing, and I don't fully understand it either. But I need you to get curious instead of taking it personally.”

That's the whole conversation, really. It isn't complicated. It's just not one most couples have been taught how to have.

A coordinated conversation.

This month I'm teaming up with Jen Schroer of Clarity Wellness Coach (claritywellnesscoach.com), because this topic really needs both sides of the room: what's happening in your body, and what's happening between you and your partner. If have not yet found Jen click on the links here and learn more! Plus, I have a highlighted spot in her blog/newsletter this month. Go check it out! We are here to do the research and learn more to share so you don't have to do ALL the leg work.

If any of this sounds familiar, you don't have to figure it out on your own. At Uplift & Connect Counseling, I help couples in St. Louis, and virtually across Missouri, slow down these cycles, understand what's actually happening underneath them, and find their way back to feeling like a team.

Your relationship is allowed to change as you change. Most of the time, that change is what brings you closer, not further apart.

Reach out at 314-325-4922 or Katheryn@upliftandconnectcounseling.net. 

No judgment. Just a conversation.

Cheers,

Katheryn